I’m starting With The (WO)Man In The Mirror
Recently I was listening to a Dirty Mother Pukka podcast from one of my fav duos, Polly Hazelwood and Anna Whitehouse. Anna was talking about how she feels better in her skin at 42 than she did at 24. She says she knows who she is in a way that she hadn’t when she was younger.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I wished I felt that way- but the reality is that I do not feel that I know myself better now, I feel like I don’t know myself at all these days…
This idea of being comfortable in your skin, knowing you’re on the right path whether career, parenthood, relationships, this is the key. I’ve definitely felt this before. But as my own 42 approaches, I am in the midst of, if I’m honest, a total identity crisis. The Caroline that I loved, thrived in, excelled is totally gone and now I’m left in this sort of grey abyss of self identity loss in a saggy, stretched out body and an exhausted foggy brain.
Let’s just be clear at the outset- I love love love being a mother. I love my kids. They often push me to the brink but of course as all mothers believe about their own, mine are the best. They’re freaking awesome, funny, thoughtful little humans and I’m so proud to be their mother. Except those times when one of them pees publicly, or says something totally inappropriate, then I look away and pretend that kid(s) isn’t mine. AH I joke.
I always wanted kids, my cousins like to remind me that when I was 12 I used to proclaim that I wanted five boys. That was the dream. And as I approached my early 30’s and met my amazing, patient, sometimes long suffering guy- all of this became a reality.
Not five, but three healthy kids, two boys and a girl (and frankly she’s a fiery, independent, amazingly clever, sassy sometimes North Korean dictator that feels like I’m expending the energy of raising five.) I arrogantly swanned through my 30s, actually I wasn’t swanning, I was huge and pregnant for most of them with baby sick stained on most of my clothes and an utter state of exhaustion with some serious stints of PPD.
BUT I was mostly happy, I was a little smug. I was exactly where I wanted to be at least from a check list perspective. Prior to babies, I had a growing, promising career. I was in shape, I had an amazing man by my side. We got pregnant easily which I do not for one second take for granted. I would often think in my hard wired type A brain, I’d achieved everything I wanted in my 30s.
Yet- partially due to circumstances and by how closely together I had the babies and in part, by choice—I took a huge step back from that promising career. My body morphed and stretched into something wholly unrecognisable through my three back to back pregnancies, and somewhere over the decade, the confident, slightly smug, knows who she is Caroline just evaporated.
Now, approaching 42, I sit, envious of the women like Mother Pukka who know themselves, who are rocking their own identities.
I came across this blog post from a Ma who perfectly articulates how I sometimes feel.
“I used to care about how I looked. Like really care. I ate well. I exercised. I showered. I put makeup on…
Now, I wear hoodies. Dirty ones.
Grey t-shirts. I grab my clothes off of the floor every morning.”
I chuckled reading this as my daughter, Layla, loves stealing my makeup and recently exclaimed ‘MOM! I know why you always give me your makeup, its because you never wear any anymore!’.
Out of the mouths of babes…but it’s true. I never used to like, glam up all the time, but I’d at least slap on the basics. As I sit and write this, Gemma highlighted- lovingly- that I’ve been wearing the same outfit for three days. She’s right.
Whilst makeup, clothes are superficial, they are symptoms of a much deeper, constant internal conflict I have. I often don’t know who I am anymore. I am a mother, but I don’t JUST want to be a mother. I don’t want my kids to launch into the world and me sit back at the nest thinking, well what am I supposed to do now?
So I’m here to say I’m working on it. I’m committed to finding the changed, metamorphised version of me and learning how to embrace my own evolution.
In the Breaker spirit of being authentic, I wanted to share, so that if anyone else reads this and is feeling the same knows they aren’t alone. We are complex, multi-faceted beings. I’m challenging myself today to find beauty in the changes.
Like blogger, Kate says "This year I will find balance in motherhood, marriage, my job, my home and my sanity. That's my goal. Learn to laugh more too and give myself more grace."
This is what I’m focusing on for myself, and for my fellow Breaker Babes.
