Sorry not Sorry
Caroline tells me repeatedly to stop apologising…it really annoys her. At first, I found her annoyance irritating because saying sorry is just good manners, right? But actually, I’ve now started to annoy myself (especially the time I walked into a lamp post and said sorry to it!), yet I still can’t seem to stop – it’s programmed in and has become a habit. She reminds me regularly and I often see reflected in her persistent “cross face” that my sorrys are in fact disingenuous.
I believed it is down to personality type - being a people pleaser, along with being English (as this article, ‘Why I’m not sorry I learned to quit the vacuous English habit of constantly apologising’ from The Guardian says). Also because I was taught to be thoughtful and kind, by kind, meaning not to hurt anyone’s feelings or offend. This is all true, but I was surprised to find that I am also more likely to because I am a woman.
Why Girls Apologize Too Much: by the Child Mind Institute, states that girls, just like boys are told to be ambitious, smart and successful, only for us females, it comes with conditions:
“Be confident but not conceited. Be smart, but no one likes a know-it-all. Ambition is good, but trying too hard is bad. Be assertive, but only if it doesn’t upset anyone else.”
Instantly, I can hear that amazing Barbie monologue playing out in my mind!
So…we are expected to show empathy, we have been conditioned to understand, be responsible and apologise for how our behaviour affects others, even though they are in fact opposite to those associated with success: winning, drive, and competition.
Recently I was introduced to comedian Amy Schumer, (I know, late to the party yet again!) who in 2015 did a sketch about female leaders over apologising - I normally find her hilarious; as she rants about relationships, body image, and her vagina, however I actually found this skit uncomfortable to watch, not only because it awkwardly over exaggerates the point but because it also feels too familiar - this is me, and yes it IS annoying! (ignore the skit after 2.46 it gets a little ridiculous…)
I obviously need to improve this about myself, which in turn, I hope will help ensure my daughter doesn’t follow in my self-deprecating footsteps (blimey, the pressure!) and together we will know how to communicate with confidence, be self-assured, proud of our strengths and skillsets, comfortable expressing our ideas and how we aren’t going to sorry about it either!
Breaking the sorry habit – my challenges:
I’m not usually into self-help books, but I’m going to give this book a try:
I WILL drop all unnecessary apologies and if I don’t, I will put a pound in the “Sorry, Not Sorry” jar (nothing like a financial motivator).
I am going to try and use thank yous instead of sorrys. I have picked the below responses…
I give you all permission to give me the “cross face” or fine me every time you hear me say sorry …Don’t worry if you need help with the '“cross face” Caroline can help, her’s makes The Dowager look overjoyed.