The Comparison Game
Preach. Though I’d argue there’s a sliding scale of what one’s interpretation of ‘clean’ means…..
I’ve really been leaning in to the mom guilt the last few weeks. It’s been paralysing if I’m honest. And just to really commit to my spiral of doom, I’ve thrown myself into a pretty intense round of the comparison game us women play, especially mothers.
Add the guilt to the mom comparison game and you really have a committed cacophony of voices beating you down. It’s not productive, nor particularly pleasant for your self esteem, eh?
And most importantly its not freaking worth it.
I recently had a few mothers over for a drink. One of them I didn’t know very well but I thought I had her figured out from afar . I judged her. I judged her hard. From my perspective, she had it ‘all together’- whatever that means. While I am the one either dragging my kids into school at the last min, or breaking up a fight between them over who ate the last snack at pickup, she always looked calm, cool and collected.
While my brood conveniently remind me at the last second about the form I forgot to fill out or the fact that it was actually dress up like a yellow cactus day because…who the hell knows?! Perhaps because the school gets a little thrill about pushing parents to the brink and sits around thinking about what crazy things they can make us parents do that will really make us crack…
I DIGRESS. (but seriously, some of these dress as your favourite make believe spirit animal non uniform days are OTT, ammiright?!)
From my perspective, this other mother would for sure be the one that swaggers into drop off with the coolest, yellowest, homemade cactus outfit for their kid.
At least that’s what I thought, based on very little actual conversation and solely on fleeting appearance and preconceived judgments. When she walked through the door with the other mothers as I did the obligatory ‘excuse the mess, my kids are feral and I’m working too many hours, and I haven’t done laundry let alone tidy in weeks’, she was the first to respond saying ‘oh this is nothing…you can still see useable floor space in here. If you think your house is messy then I’m screwed’.
Instantly I felt ashamed and relieved in equal measure. She didn’t have it together either. She spoke that evening about the same struggles that I have. She put ridiculous amounts of pressure on herself and agonised over whether or not she was making the right choices for herself and her family.
And I realised that I’ve spent a stupid amount of time comparing myself to other mothers, as some masochistic way to highlight all of my own perceived failures as a parent. But the reality is, most of us mothers are doing our best. We aren’t always organised. We don’t always react in the right way, we all want to do everything we can to make our children happy and give them the tools to thrive. We are, human. And our kiddos are ok. They’re better than ok. They are growing and struggling and learning and becoming pretty cool humans. Most of the time at least.
So on those days you’re doing all you can just to get your kids out the door on time, where you’ve settled for a cookie for breakfast instead of homemade bran muffins. The days when you drop off your kids in your pjs hidden under your jacket, without a bra, and unwashed hair because all the energy you had to muster, you used on getting the kids ready. I see you. I am you.
And that other mother you see on the school run that seemingly has it all together, I promise, she doesn’t either. I would be willing to bet she is also precariously holding it together…
We should be a community, let’s support each other, not judge each other -either overtly or internally based on our own insecurities. It certainly takes less energy than beating ourselves up for not mirroring unrealistic expectations- and given I just admitted to sometimes not having the energy to even put on a bra before the school run, I for sure shouldn’t expend any extra on negativity. We’re stronger than tearing down each other or our own self esteems.
We’re stronger than tearing down each other or our own self esteems.
I challenge you, next time you start to compare yourself to that other ma, remind yourself that you’re doing just fine, that you haven’t failed as a mother and that your kids are ok. Then say hi to her, or at least crack a smile. Let’s not get over ambitious, I can’t speak even to the person I love the most in the morning before I’ve had three or four cups of coffee.
Community and authenticity, these are core values at Breaker. We see you. We are you. Come as you are, join the crew. You can always sit with us.
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(Fav supportive hot mess mama, cofounder and general badass, Gemma)
